1 00:00:02,132 --> 00:00:03,916 ♪ Men.♪ 2 00:00:06,963 --> 00:00:08,617 Oh. 3 00:00:10,793 --> 00:00:12,403 What are you doing, Alan? 4 00:00:12,490 --> 00:00:13,883 Gazing at you in the morning light. 5 00:00:13,970 --> 00:00:16,146 Aw, that's sweet. 6 00:00:16,233 --> 00:00:17,321 And creepy. 7 00:00:17,408 --> 00:00:19,715 I just... I can't remember 8 00:00:19,802 --> 00:00:21,717 the last time we woke up together.[chuckles] 9 00:00:21,804 --> 00:00:23,371 And we're not the only two up. 10 00:00:23,458 --> 00:00:24,850 Cock-a-doodle-doo, you. 11 00:00:24,937 --> 00:00:27,505 That's just creepy. 12 00:00:27,592 --> 00:00:28,941 Where you going? 13 00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:30,552 I have to pick Larry up from the airport. 14 00:00:30,639 --> 00:00:33,250 Oh, have Larry take a cab and stay here with me. 15 00:00:33,337 --> 00:00:35,470 I'll even give you $50 for the fare. 16 00:00:35,557 --> 00:00:38,516 [both laugh] 17 00:00:38,603 --> 00:00:40,301 All right, all right, I'll walk you out. 18 00:00:40,388 --> 00:00:43,434 Let me just tuck the old rooster back in the barn. 19 00:00:43,521 --> 00:00:44,827 [grunts] 20 00:00:44,914 --> 00:00:46,916 Oh. 21 00:00:47,003 --> 00:00:49,701 Oh. Hi. 22 00:00:49,788 --> 00:00:52,269 Jenny, this is Lyndsey. 23 00:00:52,356 --> 00:00:54,445 This is Lyndsey, too.It's Leslie. 24 00:00:54,532 --> 00:00:57,709 Oh, that's a pretty name. 25 00:00:59,450 --> 00:01:01,974 I really enjoyed myself last night. 26 00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:06,414 Well, I really enjoyed myself watching you enjoy yourself. 27 00:01:06,501 --> 00:01:07,937 Oh. Wow. 28 00:01:08,024 --> 00:01:10,548 Got a little traffic jam here. 29 00:01:10,635 --> 00:01:13,812 "Pretty lady pileup on the PCH in Malibu. 30 00:01:13,899 --> 00:01:16,641 I know at least one of them was rear-ended." 31 00:01:18,948 --> 00:01:20,689 Sorry, girls. 32 00:01:20,776 --> 00:01:23,126 This one's mine. 33 00:01:23,213 --> 00:01:24,388 I'll see you.Okay. Bye. 34 00:01:25,433 --> 00:01:26,999 Call me.Call me. 35 00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:30,046 Call me.[door shuts] 36 00:01:30,133 --> 00:01:31,047 I'm not calling. 37 00:01:31,134 --> 00:01:32,962 I'm not calling. 38 00:01:33,049 --> 00:01:36,008 She's not calling. 39 00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:38,750 ♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪ 40 00:01:38,837 --> 00:01:41,840 ♪ Ah. ♪ ♪ Men. ♪ ♪ Men. ♪ 41 00:01:45,670 --> 00:01:48,108 [moaning]Ow. Ow. 42 00:01:48,195 --> 00:01:50,980 Okay, okay. This is ridiculous. Why can't we go to a hotel? 43 00:01:51,067 --> 00:01:52,547 Are you gonna spring for a room? 44 00:01:52,634 --> 00:01:55,419 Traditionally, the mistress does not pay. 45 00:01:55,506 --> 00:01:57,421 I'm sorry. I just don't have a lot of time, 46 00:01:57,508 --> 00:01:58,553 and I have a lot of other errands to run. 47 00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:00,859 So I'm just an errand? 48 00:02:00,946 --> 00:02:03,949 No. But you are on my to-do list. 49 00:02:04,036 --> 00:02:05,560 So what do you say we do it in the backseat? 50 00:02:05,647 --> 00:02:08,954 Really? I'd say you're usually drunk 51 00:02:09,041 --> 00:02:10,782 before you let me do...Alan. 52 00:02:10,869 --> 00:02:14,308 I'm talking about the backseat of the car. 53 00:02:14,395 --> 00:02:16,092 Oh. Oh, sorry. Sure. 54 00:02:16,179 --> 00:02:18,747 Oh, there's a box of stuff back here. 55 00:02:18,834 --> 00:02:19,704 Just shove that junk in the trunk. 56 00:02:21,706 --> 00:02:22,707 I'm getting a lot of mixed messages here. 57 00:02:24,579 --> 00:02:25,884 Wh-What is this stuff anyway? 58 00:02:25,971 --> 00:02:27,712 Bunch of old clothes of Larry's. 59 00:02:27,799 --> 00:02:29,279 I'm giving them to Goodwill after I squeeze you in. 60 00:02:30,889 --> 00:02:32,543 I did that one on purpose. 61 00:02:32,630 --> 00:02:36,460 Mmm. This is nice stuff. 62 00:02:36,547 --> 00:02:38,114 I have to bring some stuff to Goodwill. 63 00:02:38,201 --> 00:02:39,724 Why don't I just take this, too? 64 00:02:39,811 --> 00:02:41,596 Really? What do you have to bring to Goodwill? 65 00:02:41,683 --> 00:02:45,513 Uh, all of my old clothes 'cause I just got a new wardrobe. 66 00:02:46,688 --> 00:02:48,864 ♪ Men.♪ 67 00:02:50,518 --> 00:02:51,171 Morning. 68 00:02:51,258 --> 00:02:52,955 Afternoon. 69 00:02:53,042 --> 00:02:56,524 Oh, thank God. I thought I was drinking in the morning. 70 00:02:56,611 --> 00:02:58,047 Jenny... 71 00:02:58,134 --> 00:03:00,702 where do you see yourself in five years? 72 00:03:00,789 --> 00:03:03,661 Little house on the beach in Hawaii with Kate Upton. 73 00:03:03,748 --> 00:03:06,186 Wait, Kate Upton's straight. 74 00:03:06,273 --> 00:03:08,231 Give me two weeks. 75 00:03:08,318 --> 00:03:10,407 What I'm saying is, you didn't just move out here 76 00:03:10,494 --> 00:03:12,192 to party and drink, did you? 77 00:03:12,279 --> 00:03:14,324 Well, I want to be an actress, so... 78 00:03:14,411 --> 00:03:16,152 yeah. 79 00:03:16,239 --> 00:03:18,502 I mean, seriously, what are you doing about your career? 80 00:03:18,589 --> 00:03:19,677 Are you looking for an agent? 81 00:03:19,764 --> 00:03:21,244 Are you taking acting classes? 82 00:03:21,331 --> 00:03:23,594 Oh, my God. If I squint, 83 00:03:23,681 --> 00:03:27,294 you're, like, a prettier version of my mom. 84 00:03:27,381 --> 00:03:29,687 I'm pointing out that it's the middle of the day 85 00:03:29,774 --> 00:03:31,863 and you still haven't done a single thing yet. 86 00:03:31,950 --> 00:03:34,692 I could say the same thing about you. 87 00:03:34,779 --> 00:03:36,128 Oh. There. 88 00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:39,741 I just sold a company for $25 million. 89 00:03:39,828 --> 00:03:41,221 Really? 90 00:03:41,308 --> 00:03:42,874 No, I bought a Groupon for Indian food. 91 00:03:42,961 --> 00:03:46,182 But it's still more than you've done. 92 00:03:46,269 --> 00:03:47,270 ALAN: Oh, oh, sorry. 93 00:03:47,357 --> 00:03:49,272 What's that? Oh. Why, yes, 94 00:03:49,359 --> 00:03:52,623 it is a $5,000 Armani suit. 95 00:03:52,710 --> 00:03:56,714 Wow. $5,003 just walked into the room. 96 00:03:56,801 --> 00:03:58,629 It's one of Larry's old suits. 97 00:03:58,716 --> 00:04:00,718 He was gonna give it to charity, but I stole it just in time. 98 00:04:00,805 --> 00:04:02,111 [groans] 99 00:04:02,198 --> 00:04:04,069 Alan, you're going to hell. 100 00:04:04,156 --> 00:04:05,767 Yes, but you're going to Heaven, and I'll just be your plus-one. 101 00:04:07,856 --> 00:04:10,946 Sweet. Somebody else for you to judge. 102 00:04:11,033 --> 00:04:12,426 I'm gonna go Google Kate Upton. 103 00:04:14,515 --> 00:04:16,473 You're already having sex with this guy's girlfriend. 104 00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:17,953 Now you're wearing his clothes? 105 00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:20,608 I know. How awesome am I? 106 00:04:20,695 --> 00:04:22,436 I have a hot blonde girlfriend, 107 00:04:22,523 --> 00:04:23,306 a closet full of designer clothes 108 00:04:23,393 --> 00:04:25,090 and a beach house. 109 00:04:25,177 --> 00:04:27,789 Where to begin? 110 00:04:27,876 --> 00:04:30,313 Not your girlfriend, not your clothes 111 00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:32,402 and-- how many times do I have to say this?-- 112 00:04:32,489 --> 00:04:34,404 it's not your beach house. 113 00:04:35,710 --> 00:04:37,015 In fact, if you took away 114 00:04:37,102 --> 00:04:38,713 everything that was Larry's or mine, 115 00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:39,844 you'd be alone on the street in your underwear. 116 00:04:39,931 --> 00:04:43,892 Actually, I'd be naked. 117 00:04:43,979 --> 00:04:46,808 Please tell me you're wearing Larry's underwear and not mine. 118 00:04:46,895 --> 00:04:49,071 Yes, they're Larry's. 119 00:04:49,158 --> 00:04:52,683 Although my bug is a little snug in his rug. 120 00:04:52,770 --> 00:04:56,470 King to rook four. Checkmate, Alan's penis. 121 00:04:56,557 --> 00:04:58,994 I don't think I've ever said this. 122 00:04:59,081 --> 00:05:02,302 In fact, I don't know if anyone has ever said this, but... 123 00:05:02,389 --> 00:05:06,044 Alan Harper, you're better than this. 124 00:05:06,131 --> 00:05:07,481 I'm just making the best of what I've got. 125 00:05:07,568 --> 00:05:09,265 You know, when life gives you lemons, 126 00:05:09,352 --> 00:05:10,614 you take the lemon's clothes 127 00:05:10,701 --> 00:05:12,486 and have sex with his girlfriend. 128 00:05:12,573 --> 00:05:16,316 Okay. Where do you see you and Lyndsey in five years? 129 00:05:16,403 --> 00:05:18,796 JENNY: Don't answer! It's a trap! 130 00:05:18,883 --> 00:05:23,497 All I'm saying is, is you deserve a real relationship. 131 00:05:23,584 --> 00:05:25,107 Well, what would you do if you were in my shoes? 132 00:05:25,194 --> 00:05:28,850 First, I'd give them back to Larry. 133 00:05:28,937 --> 00:05:30,939 And then I would tell Lyndsey that things have to change 134 00:05:31,026 --> 00:05:33,507 and I want more, and if she can't give me what I want, 135 00:05:33,594 --> 00:05:35,204 then I'm not gonna give her what she wants. 136 00:05:35,291 --> 00:05:37,032 You do know what she wants, though, right? 137 00:05:37,119 --> 00:05:37,902 Wham, wham, wham. 138 00:05:39,904 --> 00:05:41,906 That was sex. 139 00:05:41,993 --> 00:05:42,820 No, that was sad. 140 00:05:42,907 --> 00:05:44,996 But you know what? 141 00:05:45,083 --> 00:05:46,911 Hey, if you're happy, then so be it. 142 00:05:46,998 --> 00:05:49,566 No, no, no. You're right. I'm-I'm gonna tell her that... 143 00:05:49,653 --> 00:05:52,264 I want more, you know, that I'm not just a, you know, 144 00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:53,527 human vibrator. 145 00:05:53,614 --> 00:05:55,920 Although... how cool would that be? 146 00:05:56,007 --> 00:05:59,271 [buzzing] 147 00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:03,798 How bad must this Larry guy be in bed? 148 00:06:03,885 --> 00:06:05,103 ♪ Men.♪ 149 00:06:05,190 --> 00:06:07,802 [exhales] That was amazing. 150 00:06:07,889 --> 00:06:10,935 Tell your friends.[chuckles] 151 00:06:11,022 --> 00:06:14,243 Although, were you buzzing at one point? 152 00:06:14,330 --> 00:06:15,636 Oh, yeah, sorry. 153 00:06:15,723 --> 00:06:17,072 I was just trying something new. 154 00:06:17,159 --> 00:06:19,335 No, no, whatever you did definitely worked. 155 00:06:19,422 --> 00:06:21,990 Alan Harper, pleasing women since 2003. 156 00:06:22,077 --> 00:06:23,905 That's when I got divorced. 157 00:06:23,992 --> 00:06:27,691 [chuckles] You always make me laugh. 158 00:06:27,778 --> 00:06:29,911 If that's the case, then be with me all the time. 159 00:06:29,998 --> 00:06:32,914 What?I want you back. I'm tired of being the other man. 160 00:06:33,001 --> 00:06:36,744 Oh, don't do this. We're having such a good time. 161 00:06:36,831 --> 00:06:39,224 Exactly. We have the best sex, I-I make you laugh... 162 00:06:39,311 --> 00:06:41,575 Often simultaneously. 163 00:06:41,662 --> 00:06:43,838 What could Larry possibly give you that I don't? 164 00:06:43,925 --> 00:06:45,666 There's just something about him. 165 00:06:45,753 --> 00:06:47,624 You'd have to know him to understand. 166 00:06:47,711 --> 00:06:50,453 He-he satisfies a different part of me. 167 00:06:50,540 --> 00:06:51,846 Point to it and I'll buzz it. [sighs] 168 00:06:51,933 --> 00:06:55,110 Alan, I know this is hard on you. 169 00:06:55,197 --> 00:06:57,504 And, yes, I know I said "hard on." 170 00:06:57,591 --> 00:06:59,767 I just want to see more of you. 171 00:06:59,854 --> 00:07:01,595 Okay, how about this? 172 00:07:01,682 --> 00:07:02,987 Larry takes spinning classes on Tuesday and Thursday nights. 173 00:07:03,074 --> 00:07:05,294 You can see more of me then. 174 00:07:05,381 --> 00:07:06,295 Fine. 175 00:07:06,382 --> 00:07:08,210 But I am not gonna be 176 00:07:08,297 --> 00:07:09,559 at your beck and call forever. 177 00:07:09,646 --> 00:07:11,822 I have my dignity. 178 00:07:11,909 --> 00:07:13,084 That would carry more weight if you weren't wearing 179 00:07:13,171 --> 00:07:14,129 Larry's underwear. 180 00:07:14,216 --> 00:07:15,347 Well, the joke's on you. 181 00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:17,001 This is Walden's underwear. 182 00:07:20,222 --> 00:07:21,092 ♪ Men.♪ 183 00:07:21,179 --> 00:07:23,051 You have a second? 184 00:07:23,138 --> 00:07:25,227 I just finished my second. 185 00:07:25,314 --> 00:07:26,968 What I need is a third. 186 00:07:27,055 --> 00:07:29,623 I will fill your cup, but I will fill it 187 00:07:29,710 --> 00:07:32,190 with knowledge, potential and opportunity. 188 00:07:32,277 --> 00:07:36,978 But bourbon makes me feel smarter, prettier and taller. 189 00:07:37,065 --> 00:07:38,458 What is this? 190 00:07:38,545 --> 00:07:41,243 A friend of mine teaches an acting class, 191 00:07:41,330 --> 00:07:42,897 and there is a spot for you.Really? 192 00:07:42,984 --> 00:07:44,115 Yeah, this guy's the best. 193 00:07:44,202 --> 00:07:47,641 Here, check out his credits. 194 00:07:47,728 --> 00:07:50,470 CSI,urinating bum number three. 195 00:07:50,557 --> 00:07:52,950 Dexter,headless victim number two. 196 00:07:53,037 --> 00:07:55,126 That ain't easy. 197 00:07:55,213 --> 00:07:58,129 Why are you doing this? 198 00:07:58,216 --> 00:08:00,436 'Cause I like you. 199 00:08:00,523 --> 00:08:02,307 And... 200 00:08:02,394 --> 00:08:04,745 I don't want you to wake up one day and realize 201 00:08:04,832 --> 00:08:07,225 that you've wasted your life and you have nothing to show for it. 202 00:08:07,312 --> 00:08:09,053 What I'm saying is, 203 00:08:09,140 --> 00:08:11,142 I don't want you to turn out like Alan. 204 00:08:13,405 --> 00:08:15,451 I don't want two Alans. 205 00:08:15,538 --> 00:08:18,802 I can't have two Alans. 206 00:08:18,889 --> 00:08:20,848 Okay, all right, all right, all right. Calm down. 207 00:08:20,935 --> 00:08:22,110 I'll-I'll go to the class, okay? 208 00:08:22,197 --> 00:08:24,591 Thank you. 209 00:08:24,678 --> 00:08:26,157 Uh, but you're gonna pay for it, right? 210 00:08:26,244 --> 00:08:27,332 Oh, it's starting already. 211 00:08:27,419 --> 00:08:28,943 ♪ Men.♪ 212 00:08:29,030 --> 00:08:31,946 Alan, Larry's at spin class. Where are you? 213 00:08:32,033 --> 00:08:34,470 I can't make it. I-I think I've got food poisoning. 214 00:08:34,557 --> 00:08:35,689 Oh, no. What'd you eat? 215 00:08:35,776 --> 00:08:37,647 Well, I had some crappy crepes, 216 00:08:37,734 --> 00:08:40,128 and now I've got some crepe-y craps. 217 00:08:40,215 --> 00:08:42,391 Oh, that's awful. 218 00:08:42,478 --> 00:08:43,174 I hope you feel better. 219 00:08:43,261 --> 00:08:45,350 Thanks. Me, too. 220 00:08:45,437 --> 00:08:47,091 Tonight I'll be hugging the toilet, 221 00:08:47,178 --> 00:08:49,616 but I'll be thinking of you. 222 00:08:49,703 --> 00:08:51,618 Bye. 223 00:08:58,102 --> 00:09:00,496 Um, hey, is this bike taken? 224 00:09:00,583 --> 00:09:01,453 Nope, help yourself. 225 00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:04,021 Great. First-timer. 226 00:09:04,108 --> 00:09:06,415 Welcome. I'm Larry. 227 00:09:06,502 --> 00:09:10,027 I'm... Jeff. 228 00:09:10,114 --> 00:09:11,463 Nice to meet you, Jeff. 229 00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,422 So, you're a newbie, huh? 230 00:09:13,509 --> 00:09:15,076 Well, yeah, how hard can it be? 231 00:09:15,163 --> 00:09:16,904 It's just riding a bike. [grunts] 232 00:09:16,991 --> 00:09:18,427 Hey. 233 00:09:18,514 --> 00:09:20,168 I used to have those same exact shoes. 234 00:09:20,255 --> 00:09:23,737 Even had a hole in the same spot. 235 00:09:23,824 --> 00:09:25,521 [chuckles] 236 00:09:25,608 --> 00:09:27,436 Well, I've got my eye on the ones you're wearing. 237 00:09:27,523 --> 00:09:29,351 ♪ Men.♪ 238 00:09:33,485 --> 00:09:36,837 [upbeat dance music playing] 239 00:09:36,924 --> 00:09:38,621 Isn't this great? 240 00:09:38,708 --> 00:09:41,189 Kill me! 241 00:09:41,276 --> 00:09:42,669 You got this. 242 00:09:42,756 --> 00:09:44,584 The only thing I've got is a blister 243 00:09:44,671 --> 00:09:47,804 in the space between my balls and my ass. 244 00:09:47,891 --> 00:09:49,066 Come on, Jeff. Don't quit! 245 00:09:49,153 --> 00:09:49,676 You can do it! 246 00:09:49,763 --> 00:09:50,502 I can't. 247 00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:52,200 Yes, you can! 248 00:09:52,287 --> 00:09:55,029 You can keep it up for a few more seconds! 249 00:09:55,116 --> 00:09:57,509 [panting] I'm doing it! 250 00:09:57,597 --> 00:10:00,164 I'm doing it! It's working! 251 00:10:00,251 --> 00:10:02,036 I'm a maniac! 252 00:10:03,167 --> 00:10:04,691 I'm a maniac! 253 00:10:04,778 --> 00:10:06,518 Attaboy. Don't go soft on me! 254 00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:07,781 Finish strong! 255 00:10:07,868 --> 00:10:09,826 [song ends] 256 00:10:12,437 --> 00:10:13,656 Whew. 257 00:10:13,743 --> 00:10:15,615 I was pedaling toward the light. 258 00:10:15,702 --> 00:10:16,616 It was so beautiful. 259 00:10:16,703 --> 00:10:19,053 My pop-pop was there. 260 00:10:19,140 --> 00:10:20,663 He was smoking his pipe. 261 00:10:20,750 --> 00:10:23,840 It smelled like cinnamon and cherries. 262 00:10:23,927 --> 00:10:25,276 Come on. Let's get you off this bike, Jeff. 263 00:10:25,363 --> 00:10:28,236 Who's Jeff? 264 00:10:28,323 --> 00:10:29,759 Boy, you really are out of it. 265 00:10:29,846 --> 00:10:31,326 Come on, we'll get you some water. 266 00:10:31,413 --> 00:10:32,240 Whoa, whoa, whoa! You're still clipped in there! 267 00:10:32,327 --> 00:10:33,545 Pop-Pop, help! 268 00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:35,809 Don't worry. I got you. I got you. 269 00:10:35,896 --> 00:10:37,593 Oh. You're so strong. 270 00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:40,291 I feel so safe. 271 00:10:40,378 --> 00:10:41,902 That was so much harder than I thought. 272 00:10:41,989 --> 00:10:43,077 But you did it. 273 00:10:43,164 --> 00:10:44,948 Uh, well, yeah, thanks to you. 274 00:10:45,035 --> 00:10:46,297 Nice job, Larry. 275 00:10:46,384 --> 00:10:48,169 See you Thursday?You know it. 276 00:10:48,256 --> 00:10:50,432 I can see why you like these cycling classes. 277 00:10:50,519 --> 00:10:53,348 Wouldn't mind taking her on a Tour de Pants.[chuckles] 278 00:10:53,435 --> 00:10:56,264 That's funny. But I actually got a girlfriend. 279 00:10:56,351 --> 00:10:58,658 Hey, I've got towels at home. 280 00:10:58,745 --> 00:11:00,964 Doesn't mean I'm not taking a couple of these with me. 281 00:11:01,051 --> 00:11:02,879 No, Lyndsey's great. Oh. 282 00:11:02,966 --> 00:11:04,272 I know what it's like to have a girl you're crazy about. 283 00:11:04,359 --> 00:11:07,231 I had a girl I would have killed for. 284 00:11:07,318 --> 00:11:10,321 You ever kill anybody, Larry? 285 00:11:10,408 --> 00:11:12,367 You're... you're hilarious. 286 00:11:12,454 --> 00:11:13,847 Yeah, I-I actually did dabble 287 00:11:13,934 --> 00:11:15,675 in stand-up comedy back in the '80s. 288 00:11:15,762 --> 00:11:18,895 I-I had this one bit about Nixon working in a diner. 289 00:11:18,982 --> 00:11:19,504 I am not a cook. 290 00:11:19,591 --> 00:11:21,506 [laughs] 291 00:11:21,593 --> 00:11:22,377 The '80s? What, were you, like, five? 292 00:11:22,464 --> 00:11:24,727 [phone ringing] 293 00:11:24,814 --> 00:11:26,120 Wow. 294 00:11:26,207 --> 00:11:28,557 There really is something about him. 295 00:11:28,644 --> 00:11:29,601 Uh, do you need to answer that? 296 00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:31,821 No, it's just a work call. 297 00:11:31,908 --> 00:11:34,998 Wait. Does that say... does that say "Billy Joel"? 298 00:11:35,085 --> 00:11:36,783 Oh, yeah, yeah. I manage musicians, 299 00:11:36,870 --> 00:11:37,697 so I'm trying to sign him, but I'll call him back. 300 00:11:37,784 --> 00:11:38,698 I'm talking to you. 301 00:11:38,785 --> 00:11:40,264 But he's a rock star. 302 00:11:40,351 --> 00:11:42,527 Rock stars aren't so impressive 303 00:11:42,614 --> 00:11:44,616 when they've had a bottle of white, a bottle of red 304 00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:46,053 and they're peeing in your koi pond. 305 00:11:46,140 --> 00:11:48,011 What do you do, Jeff? 306 00:11:48,098 --> 00:11:50,057 Oh, I'm just a-a chiropractor. 307 00:11:50,144 --> 00:11:51,798 Just a chiropractor? 308 00:11:51,885 --> 00:11:52,973 Your hands heal. 309 00:11:53,060 --> 00:11:54,975 You know what these hands do? 310 00:11:55,062 --> 00:11:57,804 They roll over drummers before they choke on their own vomit. 311 00:11:57,891 --> 00:12:01,372 I make people fart when I press down on their backs. 312 00:12:01,459 --> 00:12:03,810 [laughs] Hey, I'm gonna grab a smoothie. 313 00:12:03,897 --> 00:12:05,246 You want to...? Oh, I should probably head... 314 00:12:05,333 --> 00:12:06,987 My treat. ...over to the smoothie bar 315 00:12:07,074 --> 00:12:08,597 with my new friend Larry. 316 00:12:08,684 --> 00:12:10,860 I swear, I had that same shirt, too. 317 00:12:10,947 --> 00:12:13,558 Looks like we're into a lot of the same things. 318 00:12:15,952 --> 00:12:18,868 ♪ Men.♪ 319 00:12:18,955 --> 00:12:20,087 Hey. 320 00:12:20,174 --> 00:12:22,045 Whoa! Where were you? 321 00:12:22,132 --> 00:12:23,525 Lance Armstrong's gay Halloween party? 322 00:12:26,180 --> 00:12:27,921 Very funny. 323 00:12:28,008 --> 00:12:29,313 Wait. 324 00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:30,314 Is that a thing? Did you get invited? 325 00:12:30,401 --> 00:12:32,534 No. Where were you? 326 00:12:32,621 --> 00:12:35,537 Oh, I was at spin class with Lyndsey's boyfriend. 327 00:12:38,105 --> 00:12:41,543 Should I ask why or just wait to see it on 48 Hours? 328 00:12:41,630 --> 00:12:45,765 I simply wanted to find out what he's got that I don't. 329 00:12:45,852 --> 00:12:50,378 Other than... mental health, pride and his own underwear? 330 00:12:50,465 --> 00:12:52,989 That's just it. He does have it all. 331 00:12:53,076 --> 00:12:55,209 I can totally see why Lyndsey loves him. 332 00:12:55,296 --> 00:12:56,776 He's-he's kind, he's generous, 333 00:12:56,863 --> 00:12:59,169 he's got a smile that lights up a juice bar. 334 00:12:59,256 --> 00:13:01,824 And-and the kicker is, he likes me. 335 00:13:03,695 --> 00:13:05,654 And did his smile light up 336 00:13:05,741 --> 00:13:08,613 when you told him you were plowing his girlfriend? 337 00:13:08,700 --> 00:13:12,226 No. Alanis plowing his girlfriend. 338 00:13:12,313 --> 00:13:14,794 Larry's friend, Jeff, will be joining him 339 00:13:14,881 --> 00:13:17,405 in his luxury box at the Laker game tomorrow night. 340 00:13:17,492 --> 00:13:19,537 [laughs] 341 00:13:19,624 --> 00:13:20,582 I-I just have to cancel my plans with Lyndsey. 342 00:13:20,669 --> 00:13:23,367 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 343 00:13:23,454 --> 00:13:26,283 You're telling me you would rather spend the evening 344 00:13:26,370 --> 00:13:27,502 in Larry'sbox? 345 00:13:30,505 --> 00:13:32,812 Hey. Hey. How'd the acting class go? 346 00:13:32,899 --> 00:13:34,030 It was great. 347 00:13:34,117 --> 00:13:35,336 We did this improv exercise 348 00:13:35,423 --> 00:13:37,251 where I had to pretend to be high. 349 00:13:37,338 --> 00:13:38,556 I nailed it. 350 00:13:38,643 --> 00:13:41,342 Oh, uh, you know, in college, uh, 351 00:13:41,429 --> 00:13:42,691 I-I did a little musical theatre. 352 00:13:42,778 --> 00:13:44,258 And the winner 353 00:13:44,345 --> 00:13:47,348 for the least surprising sentence ever goes to... 354 00:13:47,435 --> 00:13:49,176 Alan Harper! 355 00:13:49,263 --> 00:13:51,265 Scoff if you will, but, uh, 356 00:13:51,352 --> 00:13:53,180 I actually starred in our production of Cats. 357 00:13:53,267 --> 00:13:56,313 And the new winner for least surprising sentence ever... 358 00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:59,186 Okay, I will have you know that the campus newspaper said 359 00:13:59,273 --> 00:14:00,709 that my portrayal of Rum Tum Tugger 360 00:14:00,796 --> 00:14:02,972 was purrfect. 361 00:14:03,059 --> 00:14:05,453 I've never seen Cats. 362 00:14:05,540 --> 00:14:07,063 You've never seen...? 363 00:14:07,150 --> 00:14:12,460 ♪ The Rum Tum Tugger is a curious cat. ♪ 364 00:14:12,547 --> 00:14:14,418 Well, if you're coming out of the closet, 365 00:14:14,505 --> 00:14:16,812 come out dancing. 366 00:14:16,899 --> 00:14:18,683 ♪ Men.♪ 367 00:14:18,770 --> 00:14:21,599 Boy, this really makes you feel like a man, doesn't it? 368 00:14:21,686 --> 00:14:26,735 Basketball, cheerleaders, a crisp Pinot Noir. 369 00:14:26,822 --> 00:14:28,868 There's beer in the fridge, too. 370 00:14:28,955 --> 00:14:31,261 What? And undo all that spinning? Oh, no. 371 00:14:31,348 --> 00:14:33,394 A second on the lips, a month on the hips. 372 00:14:33,481 --> 00:14:35,265 [laughs] 373 00:14:35,352 --> 00:14:37,224 Did you ever do this gay character in your stand-up? 374 00:14:37,311 --> 00:14:41,315 Yeah. It was a real crowd-pleaser. 375 00:14:41,402 --> 00:14:44,187 I, uh... I also do a-a character who's really cheap. 376 00:14:44,274 --> 00:14:46,929 [laughs] "Hey, is everything here free? Even those shrimp?" 377 00:14:47,016 --> 00:14:48,278 Nice. 378 00:14:48,365 --> 00:14:50,802 If I kept going, I'd say, "Hey, uh, 379 00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:52,935 can I get a to-go container?" 380 00:14:53,022 --> 00:14:54,981 Help yourself, you cheap queer. 381 00:14:55,068 --> 00:14:57,113 [laughs] 382 00:14:59,463 --> 00:15:01,552 Hey, uh, can I get a to-go container? 383 00:15:10,953 --> 00:15:12,781 [laughs] 384 00:15:12,868 --> 00:15:17,612 Hope we don't end up on the Kiss Cam. 385 00:15:17,699 --> 00:15:21,398 I've been told my kisses are like French fries. 386 00:15:21,485 --> 00:15:22,791 Can't stop with just one. 387 00:15:22,878 --> 00:15:24,184 [laughs] 388 00:15:28,188 --> 00:15:30,103 LARRY: Lyndsey, what a surprise! 389 00:15:31,147 --> 00:15:33,062 Lyndsey? 390 00:15:33,149 --> 00:15:34,498 Hey, sweetie. My plans fell through. 391 00:15:34,585 --> 00:15:36,152 Well, now you can meet Jeff. 392 00:15:36,239 --> 00:15:38,285 Jeff, this is my girlfriend Lyndsey. 393 00:15:40,243 --> 00:15:42,289 He's always joking around. Get over here! 394 00:15:46,641 --> 00:15:48,425 Hi. 395 00:15:48,512 --> 00:15:50,906 Hi. So, this is the guy 396 00:15:50,993 --> 00:15:52,690 you were telling me about? 397 00:15:52,777 --> 00:15:54,997 Yes, uh, uh, Lyndsey, was it? 398 00:15:55,084 --> 00:15:56,825 Uh-huh. 399 00:15:58,305 --> 00:16:00,350 I'm sorry. I didn't catch your name. 400 00:16:00,437 --> 00:16:02,918 This is Jeff. Jeff Strongman. 401 00:16:07,531 --> 00:16:10,795 Strongman? That's a unique name. 402 00:16:10,882 --> 00:16:12,580 Uh, it's-it's German. 403 00:16:12,667 --> 00:16:15,017 Uh, it's actually pronounced Strungmin. 404 00:16:15,104 --> 00:16:16,323 [clears throat] 405 00:16:16,410 --> 00:16:18,629 Strungmin?Mmm. 406 00:16:18,716 --> 00:16:21,893 It almost sounds made up, doesn't it? 407 00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:24,548 Yeah, well, it's not, so shut up. 408 00:16:28,422 --> 00:16:29,989 Sweetie, it-it's cold in here. 409 00:16:30,076 --> 00:16:32,469 I think I left a jacket in the car. Would you mind? 410 00:16:32,556 --> 00:16:34,341 Of course. [laughs] 411 00:16:34,428 --> 00:16:37,083 Hey, I can trust you alone with my girlfriend, right? 412 00:16:37,170 --> 00:16:41,522 If you can't, then my name's not Jeff Strungmin. 413 00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:46,701 [door closes] 414 00:16:46,788 --> 00:16:48,355 What the hell is going on, Jeff? 415 00:16:48,442 --> 00:16:50,357 Are you trying to break me and Larry up? 416 00:16:50,444 --> 00:16:52,663 No, I would never do that to Larry. 417 00:16:52,750 --> 00:16:55,275 Then what are you doing here? 418 00:16:55,362 --> 00:16:57,799 I just... I wanted to figure out what Larry has that I don't 419 00:16:57,886 --> 00:16:59,279 so that I could be more like him, 420 00:16:59,366 --> 00:17:00,541 and then you'd come back to me. 421 00:17:00,628 --> 00:17:02,456 Look, I already have a Larry. 422 00:17:02,543 --> 00:17:05,546 If you turned into Larry, I'd have to find another Alan. 423 00:17:05,633 --> 00:17:07,330 Really? Yes, you idiot! 424 00:17:07,417 --> 00:17:08,897 Don't you get it? 425 00:17:08,984 --> 00:17:11,117 No man has ever turned me on like you do. 426 00:17:11,204 --> 00:17:14,511 It's a gift and a curse. 427 00:17:14,598 --> 00:17:16,600 Shut up. 428 00:17:16,687 --> 00:17:18,994 I'll stop talking, but I won't stop... 429 00:17:19,081 --> 00:17:21,040 [imitates buzzing]No, stop it. 430 00:17:21,127 --> 00:17:22,258 [imitates buzzing] 431 00:17:22,345 --> 00:17:23,216 I'm still mad at you! 432 00:17:23,303 --> 00:17:24,652 Well, I don't blame you. 433 00:17:24,739 --> 00:17:25,870 I have been very naughty. 434 00:17:25,957 --> 00:17:28,003 Perhaps I should be punished. 435 00:17:28,090 --> 00:17:28,917 Let's go. 436 00:17:29,004 --> 00:17:30,658 What...? Wait. Where? 437 00:17:30,745 --> 00:17:32,138 We'll do it in the bathroom. 438 00:17:32,225 --> 00:17:33,574 Seriously? Oh, yeah. 439 00:17:33,661 --> 00:17:35,097 Beats the hell out of the Kiss Cam. 440 00:17:38,231 --> 00:17:40,189 ♪ Men.♪ 441 00:17:40,276 --> 00:17:40,798 Hey. 442 00:17:40,885 --> 00:17:42,800 Hey. 443 00:17:42,887 --> 00:17:44,411 How did the acting class go? 444 00:17:44,498 --> 00:17:45,673 I didn't go. 445 00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:47,588 [loudly]: Liar! 446 00:17:47,675 --> 00:17:50,591 I talked to my friend, and he said you didn'tgo, 447 00:17:50,678 --> 00:17:52,680 so admit it! 448 00:17:53,724 --> 00:17:55,857 I just did. 449 00:17:55,944 --> 00:17:57,554 I know! 450 00:17:57,641 --> 00:17:59,774 And I wasn't prepared for that. 451 00:17:59,861 --> 00:18:03,778 I went to the first class, but it was lame. 452 00:18:03,865 --> 00:18:06,781 It doesn't meant that you're not gonna learn something from it. 453 00:18:06,868 --> 00:18:09,958 Do you think that I just said, "Oh, I have a software idea 454 00:18:10,045 --> 00:18:11,829 and I'm gonna sell it for a billion dollars the next day"? 455 00:18:11,916 --> 00:18:15,790 I Googled you. That is what happened. 456 00:18:15,877 --> 00:18:18,140 The point is, is that, if-if that hadn't happened, 457 00:18:18,227 --> 00:18:20,490 I would have been willing to work for it. 458 00:18:20,577 --> 00:18:22,318 Look, I-I get it, 459 00:18:22,405 --> 00:18:23,885 but all this touchy-feely stuff just freaks me out. 460 00:18:23,972 --> 00:18:27,149 Half the reason I got into acting 461 00:18:27,236 --> 00:18:29,151 was so I could pretend to be someone else, 462 00:18:29,238 --> 00:18:31,110 not so I could spend time thinking about 463 00:18:31,197 --> 00:18:33,938 how I don't get along with my mom. 464 00:18:34,025 --> 00:18:34,939 And how I never knew my father. 465 00:18:35,026 --> 00:18:37,333 How I'm 25 years old 466 00:18:37,420 --> 00:18:40,641 and living in the guest room of a stranger's house. 467 00:18:40,728 --> 00:18:42,469 [sighs] 468 00:18:42,556 --> 00:18:44,558 I'm sorry. 469 00:18:44,645 --> 00:18:47,604 I didn't mean to stir all this up. I just... 470 00:18:47,691 --> 00:18:49,780 And that's why I don't need acting lessons. 471 00:18:53,871 --> 00:18:55,569 You know what? 472 00:18:56,570 --> 00:18:57,875 If you don't want 473 00:18:57,962 --> 00:19:02,053 to help yourself, I can't force you. 474 00:19:02,141 --> 00:19:04,230 But the choices that you make today 475 00:19:04,317 --> 00:19:07,233 are going to affect you for the rest of your life. 476 00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:08,799 And as long as you live under my roof... 477 00:19:08,886 --> 00:19:11,672 Oh, God, kill me. 478 00:19:11,759 --> 00:19:14,544 ♪ Men.♪ 479 00:19:14,631 --> 00:19:15,763 [moaning] 480 00:19:15,850 --> 00:19:18,331 Is everything okay? Yeah. 481 00:19:18,418 --> 00:19:19,419 The only thing I can feel in your pants 482 00:19:19,506 --> 00:19:20,985 is the shrimp that you stole. 483 00:19:21,072 --> 00:19:22,857 I'm sorry. I'm-I'm just nervous. 484 00:19:22,944 --> 00:19:23,901 Can you do this or not? 485 00:19:23,988 --> 00:19:26,034 I don't think so. 486 00:19:26,121 --> 00:19:27,862 I mean, what would Larry say? 487 00:19:27,949 --> 00:19:30,343 LARRY: Come on, Jeff. Don't quit. 488 00:19:31,648 --> 00:19:33,346 What? 489 00:19:33,433 --> 00:19:34,564 I didn't say anything. 490 00:19:34,651 --> 00:19:36,610 LARRY: You can do it. 491 00:19:36,697 --> 00:19:38,133 Yes, you can. 492 00:19:38,220 --> 00:19:39,787 You know what? Maybe I can do this. 493 00:19:39,874 --> 00:19:41,789 Really? 494 00:19:41,876 --> 00:19:43,182 LARRY: Attaboy. 495 00:19:43,269 --> 00:19:44,792 Don't go soft on me. 496 00:19:44,879 --> 00:19:46,750 Go, Jeff, go. 497 00:19:46,837 --> 00:19:48,709 Oh, Alan. 498 00:19:48,796 --> 00:19:49,579 Call me Jeff. 499 00:19:49,666 --> 00:19:51,407 ♪ Men.♪ 500 00:19:56,586 --> 00:19:58,545 ♪ Men.♪ 501 00:20:00,547 --> 00:20:02,723 Guess who got an audition. 502 00:20:02,810 --> 00:20:03,724 Really? 503 00:20:03,811 --> 00:20:05,116 Yep. 504 00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:06,596 That's amazing. Tell me about it. 505 00:20:06,683 --> 00:20:09,904 Well, I went back to the acting class. 506 00:20:09,991 --> 00:20:10,774 [chuckles] 507 00:20:10,861 --> 00:20:12,559 Isn't that funny? 508 00:20:13,734 --> 00:20:15,692 The thing I suggested you do 509 00:20:15,779 --> 00:20:17,738 that you didn't want to do 510 00:20:17,825 --> 00:20:20,784 turned out to be the exact thing that you should have done. 511 00:20:20,871 --> 00:20:23,918 Yeah, well, after about an hour of that acting crap, 512 00:20:24,005 --> 00:20:25,354 I had to go get a drink. 513 00:20:25,441 --> 00:20:27,400 So, I bailed and went to a bar 514 00:20:27,487 --> 00:20:29,140 where I met a casting director. 515 00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:33,319 Turned out she was a lesbian, so I had a leg up. 516 00:20:33,406 --> 00:20:35,408 And when I put it down, I had an audition. 517 00:20:37,279 --> 00:20:39,325 ♪ Men.♪ 518 00:20:39,412 --> 00:20:41,762 Oh. 519 00:20:44,112 --> 00:20:45,853 You have got to stop doing that. 520 00:20:45,940 --> 00:20:49,596 And you have to stop looking so pretty when you sleep. 521 00:20:49,683 --> 00:20:51,728 Okay, I heard it that time. It was creepy. 522 00:20:51,815 --> 00:20:54,296 You know what? I don't have to go anywhere today. 523 00:20:54,383 --> 00:20:57,256 Really?Yeah. Larry's got a friend picking him up at the airport. 524 00:20:57,343 --> 00:20:59,432 Oh, shoot! Shoot! Shoot! 525 00:20:59,519 --> 00:21:01,390 Captioning sponsored by CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION 526 00:21:01,477 --> 00:21:03,523 and TOYOTA. 527 00:21:03,610 --> 00:21:05,481 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org